July 4, 2008 I was in ecstacy because I just confirmed that I'm 5 weeks pregnant
July 4, 2008 (Yes, the same day) I was in agony because I just learned that I lost my baby
How was it that I get to enjoy my baby's presence in my womb for only a few precious hours? And yet it was during those few hours that I bonded with my baby. I started talking to my baby. I tell my baby what I was doing and yes, I already shared some plans for our future together.
It was a bliss caressing my stomach ever so gently, knowing that there is somebody inside.
And then after a few hours of walking in the clouds with my baby, I started bleeding.
Although we reached the hospital, it was already too late. I lost my baby.
I saw my baby when it came out, just a tiny bit of flesh yet already distinguishable. That was when I realized that is the loneliest moment of my life.
How could that be when that day was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, knowing that I am pregnant?
Now I feel so empty. So sad.
I am grieving for my baby.
I wouldnt even know how my baby would look like.
It also hurts that I dont think people really understand what I am going through. Most of them would say that I should move on, that there would be another baby for me. It feels like they dont even want to recognize the baby I lost!
Even though there are people around you, you still feel so alone. That is why it hurts me more than people can understand. My husband and I talks about it and it helps a little. He reminds me that God has plans for us. My mother told me that God knows what I am feeling inside.
The song 'In His Time', I always cry when I sing that song.
Nobody knew my baby the way I did.
Right now all I ask of Him is to hold me in his hands, I see myself offering my little angel in His loving hands. And it makes me cry.
Now I understand the bond that exists between mother and child. I realized that I have this love inside me that I never knew existed. Ibang klaseng love (a different kind of love), yung magpapakamatay ka (you would die) for your child.
That's why I feel so bad coz I feel so helpless. I cant do anything to save my baby.
I dont want to move on yet. I am going to continue giving my baby my love for the rest of my life. That gives me an incentive to be good, that when I pass, I know that would meet my baby someday.
I wish I could hold my baby, I just ache so much for my baby. I had a miscarriage in January but at that time I didnt know I was pregnant. This time it is really painful because I know I have a baby and I enjoyed having a baby yet I had to loose it.
Although I know I would have to deal with this roller coaster of emotions -- sometimes I accept that my baby is gone but sometimes I cannot accept it. Okay, I know I need to pick myself up. No one else will help me if I dont help myself first.
I hope my baby knows Mama loves her so much.
This post is specially dedicated for a dear friend B and her angel. She asked me to dedicate a blog for her baby I took the liberty of writing down some of her thoughts when we chatted a few days after the miscarriage happened. I hope I did justice with her deeper thoughts, all mistakes are mine.
The thing is, we havent chatted for months -- though we did exchanged a few emails. But sometimes, most of the times in our case, friendship works in mysterious ways. I had the urge to go online although it is usually our sleeping time. And a few second after I logged on, B appeared online and told me her story.
And yes, I cried with her. I felt what she's feeling. I understood what she's going through. I am a mom after all; and yes, a friend, too.
Since both of us are living away from our family and close friends; it was a relief for me to know that I was there when she needed a friend. And you know what I did promise her, I am not going to forget her baby.
I just wish I could give her a hug! But for now, I hope words would do. I hope with this post, some of you would also remember her baby, her angel.
Let's send my friend B and her angel wonderful thoughts and prayers.
I've said it already and am repeating it again, I love you, B!
You are a strong woman and with an angel beside you, you would be stronger.