Thursday, July 10, 2008

Hang in There, My Angel

July 4, 2008 I was in ecstacy because I just confirmed that I'm 5 weeks pregnant

July 4, 2008 (Yes, the same day) I was in agony because I just learned that I lost my baby

How was it that I get to enjoy my baby's presence in my womb for only a few precious hours? And yet it was during those few hours that I bonded with my baby. I started talking to my baby. I tell my baby what I was doing and yes, I already shared some plans for our future together.

It was a bliss caressing my stomach ever so gently, knowing that there is somebody inside.

And then after a few hours of walking in the clouds with my baby, I started bleeding.

Although we reached the hospital, it was already too late. I lost my baby.

I saw my baby when it came out, just a tiny bit of flesh yet already distinguishable. That was when I realized that is the loneliest moment of my life.

How could that be when that day was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, knowing that I am pregnant?

Now I feel so empty. So sad.

I am grieving for my baby.

I wouldnt even know how my baby would look like.

It also hurts that I dont think people really understand what I am going through. Most of them would say that I should move on, that there would be another baby for me. It feels like they dont even want to recognize the baby I lost!

Even though there are people around you, you still feel so alone. That is why it hurts me more than people can understand. My husband and I talks about it and it helps a little. He reminds me that God has plans for us. My mother told me that God knows what I am feeling inside.

The song 'In His Time', I always cry when I sing that song.

Nobody knew my baby the way I did.

Right now all I ask of Him is to hold me in his hands, I see myself offering my little angel in His loving hands. And it makes me cry.

Now I understand the bond that exists between mother and child. I realized that I have this love inside me that I never knew existed. Ibang klaseng love (a different kind of love), yung magpapakamatay ka (you would die) for your child.

That's why I feel so bad coz I feel so helpless. I cant do anything to save my baby.

I dont want to move on yet. I am going to continue giving my baby my love for the rest of my life. That gives me an incentive to be good, that when I pass, I know that would meet my baby someday.

I wish I could hold my baby, I just ache so much for my baby. I had a miscarriage in January but at that time I didnt know I was pregnant. This time it is really painful because I know I have a baby and I enjoyed having a baby yet I had to loose it.

Although I know I would have to deal with this roller coaster of emotions -- sometimes I accept that my baby is gone but sometimes I cannot accept it. Okay, I know I need to pick myself up. No one else will help me if I dont help myself first.

I hope my baby knows Mama loves her so much.

This post is specially dedicated for a dear friend B and her angel. She asked me to dedicate a blog for her baby I took the liberty of writing down some of her thoughts when we chatted a few days after the miscarriage happened. I hope I did justice with her deeper thoughts, all mistakes are mine.

The thing is, we havent chatted for months -- though we did exchanged a few emails. But sometimes, most of the times in our case, friendship works in mysterious ways. I had the urge to go online although it is usually our sleeping time. And a few second after I logged on, B appeared online and told me her story.

And yes, I cried with her. I felt what she's feeling. I understood what she's going through. I am a mom after all; and yes, a friend, too.

Since both of us are living away from our family and close friends; it was a relief for me to know that I was there when she needed a friend. And you know what I did promise her, I am not going to forget her baby.
I just wish I could give her a hug! But for now, I hope words would do. I hope with this post, some of you would also remember her baby, her angel.

Let's send my friend B and her angel wonderful thoughts and prayers.

I've said it already and am repeating it again, I love you, B!

You are a strong woman and with an angel beside you, you would be stronger.


feng said...

oh Raq, *hugs hugs hugs* from here.
I'm sure God has better plans--for you, for your family, the Little Angel up in heaven.

rest assured, you'll be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

This is a sad post, very touching. Would be hard to move on yet because the memory is still fresh, the "scar" still there.

tintin said...

I feel so much for her. I am so sorry she had to go through this. I hope she finds peace soon.

Vlado&Toni said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and her baby. Words are not probably enough to comfort her but the support and prayers you give her can mend a bit of the pain. I'm sure good things will come her way one day, if not soon.

Hugs and prayers to her.

Anonymous said...

whenever i read about tragic losses such as your friends', i can't help but share my own.

*hugs* to your friend B.

lovelyn said...

Send our deepest sympathy to B. Our prayers goes to her family too.

Anonymous said...

I'll pray for you and your baby.

Mixednuts said...

I am sorry to hear that about your friend. Some things we will never know why but we just need to have faith.

haze said...

All my sympathy to your friend !

Anonymous said...

oh my, that is so sad. here's a hug for your friend. may she be able to recover from the heartbreak.

Liza on Maui said...

Hugs to you Raq ... you're a wonderful friend. You're angel is smiling at you from heaven, and proud of you.

Said a prayer for your friend B and her Angel.

Vk-mahalkaayo said...

hallo raquel,

sad to know, but God has another plan.....

bernie says na tumawag ka daw kahapon, kaya lang hindi ako naka tawag balik sa iyo kasi ang tired ko.
natulog ako kaagad.

then, nabasa ko doon ki dine itong post mo.

tawag sana ako sa iyo, kaya lang 9:45pm na...
baka bukas tatawag ako sa iyo, after my wrks.

i am sorry.....

take care

Vk-mahalkaayo said...

bday ni kim ang july 4 din.

i tell bernie, he is here beside me.

sigi, matulog na ako, bye and ingat ka ha......

hugs to mc n kc

Anonymous said...

I won't pretend that I know what you feel. Its true, only those who go through the process know. And each individual may differ from the other. All I can offer you are my prayers and wishes that you will be ok and that your baby will be ok too. You and I know that God really has his own plan for us...and maybe he just needed one more angel by his side :)

Heart of Rachel said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and her baby. I hope that in time she can move on. May God bless her with another child. May her angel be always there to watch over her and her family.

geri said...

Hi Raq, does your friend B have other kids? Like her I had two miscarriages, both at 12 weeks. This happened before Evan. What gave me comfort at that time was when other moms opened up and told me of their miscarriages because it gave me hope. A nurse even told me that it's more common that we think. Maybe reading up on other women who had miscarriages will make her feel not-so-alone and even better. Here is a website that I chanced just now: and here's my story: