This is not to brag but to confirm that being a mom gave me more confidence to be true to myself. And being true to myself, I discovered, felt sexier. It also allowed me to live a more comfortable life. No more hang-ups; no more questions on my incapacities. Because I know what I am and I love what I am.
But reaching this conclusion was not an easy task. Being a Filipina mom in Germany was not something I dreamed of. My dream was this: a family in Manila, a fulfilling career, sorrounded by my family and friends. But sometimes, impossible dreams do come through. And here I am.
A stranger in a strange land with an even stranger language. I had to cope up with a weird climate, different culture and what's that in my plate?? Then, while learning the language and getting to know the immediate family and immensing myself in the culture, I got pregnant. Everything stopped.
I concentrated on my body and my womb. I almost stopped learning the language. I let myself just float through the culture and I didnt care about the climate. When the baby came, I focused on being a mom and wife. It is like I am building my own island. I have my husband, my child, the immediate family, and that was that. Then came the second child. And I became more immensed in what was going on inside our household, than familiarizing myself with where I am.
Of course, the time came that I realized, there's another world. I know about it, but I refused to accept the need to go out and embrace my new life. I was too happy being a mom and wife! Then the kids left for kindergarten. My island is empty. I began to look for something to cling to. I became restless. I felt a bit insecure. I lost confident in my new language. And, should I work?
My husband was my hero in this matter. He told me, 'you dont need to work, but if you want to work, I am behind you.' Though he emphasized that he would rather that I stay at home at be with the kids; as the kids still needed me. I tried to look for some diversion, when what I really wanted to go back home and cuddle up with the familiar things of home. But the real turning point was that I discovered the Pinoy Moms Network. Reading through the site is like reading through my life. I can relate to almost everything! And just reading through the exchanges, I slipped from from being an iggitated mom, into a proud Filipina mom. I decided to be a mom living and loving her life.
I volunteered to teach playtime English in kindergarten. The response was great, from the kids to the parents and teachers. After a session, the kids were calling 'good mornings and goodbyes' already. Then I got a training grant from the local gymnastics club, to take over the gymnastics class for beginners; the directress just love it that I am always present with the kids; and always ready to lend a hand, when needed. I mean, how can I be so insecure about my mastery of the German language when all I really needed is to enjoy and everything would flow smoothly; even my Deutsch? I simply had to accept who I am.
And here comes my husband saying; 'you are the most beautiful mom because you are enjoying yourself as a mom, as a wife and as a woman now.' Indeed, I am a proud Filipina mom. I accept that!